I need to vent...

[disturbman]

...and what is going to follow is not happy thoughts. So, if you don't want to see some black stop reading here.

 

It's not really a big deal but I'm going totally bezerk here. It's been a day now that my father told me my grandpa died and I still can't make up my mind. I'm just battling with myself, which gives me a convenient getaway from sadder feelings.

 

So the deal is. I've to chose wether I will to go the my grandpa's service or not. Problem eventhough I live in modern Europe it's impossible to travel correctly between countries. It's not like possibilities don't exist. I could clearly take many different trains and go there... if only SNCF's and DB's website were giving me the opportunity. It's quite simple if you don't want to go by Paris, which is the center of a certain french world, and take TGVs or ICEs, which are expensive like hell, well... you're fucked.

 

You then have to take a lowcost plane, connecting to Paris, which are also expensive like hell and get, well... fucked.

 

My possibillities are not gigantic. I just have one and it's going to cost me a month and half salary (that's a problem of working in an area were moiney is scarced to come by). And I can't stay since I have to finish renovating the appartment before I can move there at the end of next week.

 

I could pay for it but the price is outrageous and altough I can aford it I will then have allmost no money left.

 

So now I'm left here, with my dilemna. I really want to go, pay my respect to the man and his memory, see my familly and my grandma, but I'm not sure I can really afford the price... I'm not sure, it's sad to say it like that, it's worth it. I could to go in the coming month and be ready. Not in such a hurry. Like now. Unfortunately I would have miss the opportunity to attend my grandpa's funeral.

 

Once again, sorry to put my frustration here. It's just, I'm totally alone right now. My girlfriend is coming back from France tomorow. And phone is really not helping. It's okay on the spot. I can speak. I can think and come to decision but then I hang up and I don't now anymore what to do. Should I stay or should I go... The thing is, I'm all set. I just need to find the courage to buy those f***** tickets!

 

ps : sorry if this is totally inapropriate. I'm a mess.

[Martijn Meerts]

Not sure what you consider expensive, but I've traveled quite a lot in Germany by train, and I thought it was cheap (including the ICE).. I've also taken the TGV Thalys from Rotterdam to Paris once, which was also surprisingly cheap at the time.

 

Hard to say if you should or shouldn't go... I've been in the same sort of problem.. I live in Norway, my entire family in the Netherlands. I've missed various weddings and plenty of birthdays and christmases. I've also missed a funeral or 2, and there was a time where my father was in the hospital on intensive care, and I couldn't  visit him.

 

What I did, was discuss it with my family. Would it help my family and especially my father if I would fly to the Netherlands. In the end we decided there wasn't much of a point, and just knowing I was willing to fly to the Netherlands (at a time when I had no job and no money) was enough for them.

 

It's the downside of living in a different country, far away from your family. People will appreciate if you visit, but at the same time, people will understand if you can't make it. In the end, if you think you will at some point in the future regret not going, you should go.

[disturbman]

Thanks for the support Martijn. Train is not expensive in itself when you traveled in a country. But when you've to cross borders things get pretty difficult and expensive. Usually the websites just give you the most expensive train and when you have to take 5 of them the prices adds up. The last thing being the reservations system is stupid.

 

You can make a Paris-Lyon-Albertville but it's impossible to make a Nice-Lyon-Albertville.  It just told me there wasn't any train. Sure, nobody can take a train between Lyon (2nd city of France) and Nice (5th city of the country) altough there is TGVs and ICs going between this two and then change train like I should do if I was coming from Paris. Stupid algorithm.

 

And I've many more exemple like this.

 

At the end I spoke with my father and it seems that everybody wanted me overthere. So at the end, I buyed some tickets.

[Darren Jeffries]

Vincent, I am sorry for your loss. I also understand your dilemma. I was in Australia when my Grandfather died. I called my grandmother and asked her directly if she wanted me to be there. She said yes, but she also said that my grandfather wouldn't want me to bankrupt myself coming back and that I could pay my respects when i came back to England.

 

So I sent some flowers via interflora and did just that, paid my respects to his grave when I came back.

 

I would say, talk to your Grandma, see what she wants. She is the most important person here. If your Grandma is anything like mine was (God rest her soul) then she would not want you to drain all your money when you can pay your respects anytime you are back home.

[Bernard]

Vincent - First off I'm sorry about your loss and I hope you are doing alright.

I also think Darren just gave you some very good advice.

[Guest ___]

Sorry to hear about your loss, Vince. All, I can offer is what everyone else has already said.

[alpineaustralia]

Let me start by giving my sincerst condolences Vince.

 

I see things perhaps slightly differently. I know money is tight (especially at these times) but think the first question you need to ask your self is whether you really want to go in your heart of hearts. Dont answer that question on the forum -that is a question for you.

 

If the answer is no, then I would agree with the advise from the other guys and see if you can make some other gesture in support of your family.

 

If the answer is yes, then I say go and forget about the money. You are young and you will be able to replace the money. In years to come, you will forget how much you spent or that you even spent it. But most importantly, you will not say "I should have gone to say farewell".  You must do what your heart tells you to do in right. You will find the money if it what you want to do.

 

On this forum, we spend literally hundred and thousands of dollars building up train collections for our enjoyment.  Going to say farewell may mean one, two or even three less trains.  These won't make up for the lost opportunity to say goodbye to a man that you obviously loved and respected.

 

Follow you heart.

[disturbman]

Very good and sensitive advice from everyone here. I followed each one of them at one point yesterday but the truth is, I had allready choose before anyone answered me.

 

My heart told me to go. And I tried. Unfortunately my plane was six hours late. I could have make it if fate didn't play stupid jokes with me and here I'm partly at fault.

 

My girlfriend was in Paris for two weeks and was supposed to come back today. She didn't take any keys. She was afraid she will loose them. So we decided that I will take an early flight and catch a late train. Thus giving us some time to meet today. That might have worked without this repetitive delays. When I abandonned any hope my the plane was 6 hours late and I was not even sure it was going to take off on the given time. When planes are this late it's very usual to wait one more hour inside the plane for a landing or take off slot. I was also afraid I will not have any train anymore to be on time for the ceremony. Today being the 14th of July everything is possible. I could still have give a crap, take my plane, miss my girlfriend - she will have stay with one of our friend - but, last problem, we own cat. I couldn't resign myself to let him starve for allmost four days.

 

At the end, I will pay my respect to my grandfather from here. I'll burn a candle for him (I didn't found anything else to do) and will allways cherish his memory. I will also try to pay him a visit later this summer. I'm not at peace with this possibility, I really would have likes to see him one more time but that's simpl not possible anymore.

 

I feel a bit depressed and empty now.

 

Thanks again for your thoughts, ideas and support. :)

[scott]

I'm really sorry to hear it turned out like that; very bad luck, and anybody could understand how you feel. I hope that a visit with your family this summer will help you feel better.

 

Also--you did the right thing about the cat.

[disturbman]

Yeah... I hope too. Anyway I can't have regrets. I did my best but it was not enough. I never had such a bad combination of events.

 

Speaking of which, when I arrived this morning at the airport I turned my MP3 on. It's been like two or three month I didn't use it and the first thing it decided to play was a song called... "Alive". I really thought fate was playing a bad joke on me.

[cteno4]

Disturbman,

 

very sorry to hear about your grandfather and the troubles to get home. Even though we live in a world where you can get anywhere it seems, it also seems its getting harder and harder to do so. Folks spread out in the modern world makes it harder to get home when something like this happens.

 

You tried your best and im sure your family understands you did your best to make it. Sure your grandfather will have not wanted you to turn your life inside out either over this. Keeping your fond memories alive in you and your actions in the world will be a greater tribute to him in the long run and something great in your life. This in the long term is more important than one memorial event. with time the frustration and grief should mellow and hopefully the nice memories and influence will be the main memory and feelings.

 

Scott is right it will probably be better now to go home later in the summer when its easier and cheaper and saner and spend some quality time with them remembering your grandfather and honoring his memory. Again he would probably like you to have quality, happy time with them instead of frantic time in bad spirits.

 

And scott is right you did the right thing with the cat too.

 

again you tried your best and thats what counts, sometimes life just puts up too many obstacles to make it through in time on things like this. better to roll with the punches it deals out the best you can.

 

Again my condolences on your loss and good thoughts to the memory of your grandfather, it sounds like he had a very positive impression on your life, keep that alive in yourself. I know the feeling as my grandparents all had great positive and loving influences on my life and its lived on in me warmly over the years.

 

cheers

 

jeff

[disturbman]

Thanks again for your kind words. I feel quite better now I had time to breath and sunk myself into manual work.

 

He and my grandmother had a great influences in my life. I lived in many different places during my life and if I could call a place home it is for sure their home.

 

Strange thing about burning a candle for someone you lost. At the end you start to assimilate both of them. As if the flame was the once burning life. You watch it dance and play. You watch diminish until there is no more. Reliving the cycle. Birth to death... I start to apprehend the moment the candle is going to be out. It will be then for sure the end of it, of all this grieving.